eurydice james: pepperlandgirl4

Finally did it

Well, I did it. Yesterday, I gave my notice at the library. I'm going to work through July to give her time to at least get mostly through the hiring process of finding a replacement, but then I am out of there.

At the end of the day, it was both easy and hard to do. Easy, because I'm done with my manager and my frustrations about the mistakes my fellow aides are making (that I'm then forced to correct when I find) have been growing like crazy. Hard, because I love the library and everybody else who works there. Libraries have always been my safe space. Part of me is going to ache from missing it.

But it's the best choice for me, and I know it. I need to take 10 days off in August anyway to take Alicia back to school in DC, so now I won't have to ask for it. Plus, my mental health will improve. And regardless of whether I start school in the fall or the winter, I'll have time to get ready. The library was good about giving me back some of my confidence, and now it's time for the next step in my life.

I'm so excited about where it'll all go next. :)
text - chapter: munkymp3

I remember when the library was fun...

It's getting harder and harder to go into work at the library. Now that I can see going back to school in my future, I just want it to start now. As it is, I think I'm going to put in my resignation at the beginning of July to work through the month so I'm out as of August. That way, I don't have to worry about a week off to take Alicia to DC for school. And I can be done with my manager for good. As Craig told me today, I could go in as a patron and help anybody who wanted help finding books without having to worry about overstepping bounds, I can organize shelves at my leisure since it's fully within my rights to browse, and I can leave as soon as someone (my manager) makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I took the job for the money.

Plus, the new couch has kind of inspired my muse. If I'm not working, I'll have more energy to write.
mood - oooo: wisteria

Oooo, shiny

The next step in our new game/media room set-up arrived today. There's a big blank wall in front of the new couch, so Craig decided he wanted a bigass TV mounted there so we could watch movies and play games on it. He got an 85" with so many acronyms I have no idea what they are. All I know is that a) it's huge, and b) the picture is crazy sharp, and c) we don't have to hook anything into it except the PS and Xbox. Everything else comes through apps on the TV, including our DVR in the family room. It's not mounted yet, but it will be on either Saturday or Sunday when the mounting kit arrives.

I foresee a ton of time spent in this room in the future.
eurydice james: pepperlandgirl4

A long and lazy Sunday

Lazy day. Alicia's BF spent the night, so they went out and got us brunch. Then we played Villainous after we ate, until his mom texted and guilted him into going home early to help her build something. Craig and I curled up on the couch after that to watch mindless movies (a rewatch of Edge of Tomorrow and then My Spy), and now I'm sprawled on the chaise of the new sectional, on my computer for the first time all day, trying to stay awake. I shouldn't. I should go to bed. It's not like I can't use the sleep. But tomorrow has a ton of errands that need to be done, including packages to be shipped and grocery shopping, not to mention finishing the laundry that I was lazy about today, and part of me wants to put it off by making today last as long as it can. Yes, I know that's silly logic. I mentioned I was tired, right, lol?

I've spent way too much money in the past two days. I renewed our SHN membership for 2021/22, since things are finally opening up again and live theater is coming back. I then went and purchased tickets for all of us to see Hamilton again in August before Alicia has to go back to DC for her last year of college. Then, I bought tickets for our local theatre company's production of Company that will be performing at the end of the month. Oh, and then Craig went out yesterday and bought a new TV to replace the one in the media/game room, along with a soundbar and speakers for a better sound experience. Those arrive on Wednesday. The goal is to spend more time up in the game/media room. We're not going to get the cable extended to the upstairs, so the family room will still be where we watch stuff on the DVR, but movies, streaming, and games will all be in the media room. It'll be even better once the kids go back to school because they won't be here to leave all their crap around. Alicia is notorious for burying the game table by never putting stuff away - which it is now since they didn't bother putting away all their Magic the Gathering stuff from last night - so I'm looking forward to losing that element. My house will be so much cleaner once they're gone. I'll miss them, but hey, I'm looking for bright spots in their absences as much as I can, lol.
eurydice james: pepperlandgirl4

I really need to not fall off the grid again

Well, hell, I fell off the grid again. I didn't mean to. But we went to Napa, and then I came home and felt like crap, and then things got busy, and...I fell off the grid. Let's try to get back on.

I sent for my college transcript and got it this week, so I could finally make an appointment with the nearby CSU for pre-admission counseling. I'm way too excited about going back to college and finally finishing my Bachelor's. It was a little rough seeing my transcript, though. I got all sad about having the visual reminder of what a downturn my life took after my abusive ex entered it.

But that's all done and gone, and this is about moving on. At this point, I need to decide if I want to do something completely online or something more hybrid with the occasional class on campus. Both Craig and my mom warned me about how I'll stand out, being an older student, which I typically hate. I'm the kind of person who prefers to blend into the background, so they have a point, but I'm not convinced it'll be so bad about classes. I'm not sure I'll have a problem with the occasional in-person class. It's not like I'm ashamed of my past or anything. And I'm not stupid so I'm not nervous about that aspect. And according to Alicia's boyfriend, it's not like I'm out of touch with young people right now, which I took as a compliment. Mobility might be an issue if I have to walk far, though. At least one of the majors that interests me (biological sciences with a forensic science concentration) requires a ton of time on campus. On the other hand, I can do criminal justice and sociology as hybrids. I was headed toward an English major before, but I'm not sure I'm flexible enough now to finish that. I have very definitive likes and dislikes, and I'm less willing to bullshit my way through literature and writing classes that bore/annoy/piss me off. I don't want to set myself up for failure from the start. If I choose to go completely online, the options I like are hospitality and tourism management with an emphasis on event planning (which I would be AMAZING at) and human development with a concentration in adult development and gerontology.

But like I said. We'll see. My appointment is in two weeks, and I'll have more answers then. Right now, I'll keep looking through courses and drooling about the possibilities.

In other news, our new couch arrived last night!

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btvs - spike write: sdwolfpup

About writing

Dreaming and writing are Adam and Eve of the same process. Long before one ever writes a story…one works a story. You have ideas; and they stay there in your barely conscious mind; and you work them over. You masticate them like a puppy with a Christmas slipper until­ — finally — out comes a story. A significant part of that birthing process is informed by the dreaming. So the dreaming and the writing: elements of the same manufacture.

— Harlan Ellison
mood - oy (edna): raelala

At least it's Friday

Oddly relaxing day in spite of another weird encounter with my manager. We've been getting a ton of new books in to build up the collection again since they stopped buying very much last year. A big chunk of those are kids books. Our new kids section is packed, so today, I was instructed to pull out all the books we got prior to November 2020 in order to make room for the cart full of new books to go on the shelf. Except...I removed fewer books than we have to replace them so this culling will a) do nothing to resolve our space issue if we get more new books in the next couple weeks, and b) not even allow us to shelve the ones we already have. I went through and manually counted how many other 2020 books we had (23 in total) in hopes that would give us more space (not really), then went to tell my manager. She was the chief children's librarian prior to becoming the manager and still plays a huge part with the collection.

I didn't sugarcoat it. I felt there was no need to. I said, "You have a problem," then explained the issue. She burst out laughing. When she was done, she said she thought it was hysterical that I don't hold back on giving her bad news. Which just makes my head spin. Because seriously? Is she trying to tell me she'd rather I didn't tell her things, then let them deal with the consequences later? Because it really feels like that, sometimes. And she doesn't deal with them. She had no solution to what I presented, just said they'll have to figure something out. But they haven't even figured out the space issue they had with the board books that was brought to their attention last week. All she had me do then was pull out duplicate copies and set them on her desk. Guess what? They are still sitting there, waiting to be deleted and sent back to Acquisitions. And the picture books that were pulled in January to check for condition (because our picture book section was too crammed and we needed room)? There's still a third of them sitting on a cart behind her desk that she hasn't dealt with. I've pulled a good twenty from it myself when requests from other branches have shown up for them.

*headthunk*

I'm very glad I don't go back in until next Thursday. It'll be interesting to see how they resolve the new kids section.
audrey hepburn: saturnswirls

Because sometimes a girl wants to feel cute

Alicia and I did some retail therapy tonight at Target because she had bought a few things from the new designer dress collection and needed to return two of them. The collection is bright, quirky, and size-inclusive, so it was fun going through what they had in the store. I ended up only buying one dress - this black polka dot one - and while I absolutely loved it (and was shocked at how flattering it actually was), the size I got was too big. Unfortunately, the next size down is already sold out, so no polka dot dress for me. I picked up a few other things and ended up keeping this blouse in blue and white (which I'm totally wearing to work tomorrow, it's so cute and airy) and this tank dress in black (though it's a maxi on me). I've gone a little dress crazy for the upcoming summer, since this is not the first new sundress I've bought for myself this spring.

And...I might pick up a couple more from Target considering how much I loved the items I got tonight.
eurydice james: pepperlandgirl4

Maintaining is better than gaining

My weight loss has been stalled out at around 14 pounds for the last two weeks. Part of that is because we've had a couple indulgent days where I go way overboard and then spend the rest of the week making up for it. Sunday was one of those days, as Alicia and I had brunch with vaccinated friends and then got pedicures. $5 Bloody Marys at brunch were my downfall, lol. So the rest of this week was supposed to be about being ultra-good because Craig and I are going to Napa on Sunday for three days to have an early celebration of our 22nd wedding anniversary.

Except nobody wanted our dinner plans, so we ended up getting KFC and ice cream. So much for trying to be good, lol.

I'm not that fussed, to be honest. Maintaining my weight during a time period when I know there are lots of extras going on is perfectly acceptable. What's important is that I don't gain. Tonight will not become a trend. I'm making sure of that.

Though I most definitely will be indulging while we're in Napa. We're hitting our favorite deli grocery on the way on Sunday, have a wine tasting tour scheduled for Monday, and reservations Monday night at what seems to be an amazing Italian restaurant. Since it's celebratory as well as our first real outing in over a year, I'm going to enjoy it all and deal with the consequences when I get home on Tuesday.
mood - woe: crackers4jenn

Been gone too long

Holy crap, I knew I was avoiding posting, but I hadn't realized it has been almost a month. Yikes.

The last time I posted was right after I had the confrontation with my manager. I never talked to her about what she did, but instead focused on doing my job and running questions to other librarians in order to stay out of her path. Unfortunately, that doesn't work more than half the time, and I still manage to get sucked in. And I still get the occasional comment. Last week, I got sucked into an issue regarding a procedure that had never been established with our reopening, so I apologized to her about sidetracking her since that wasn't my intention. Her comment to me was, "With you, I just always expect to get sidetracked."

Sigh.

I can't say I'm very happy at work right now. She's a big part of it, but there's also the issue that it feels like I'm the only aide who gives a damn about anything. Things are slipping that shouldn't slip - including one of the aides not noticing for over a week that an entire section of New Kids had been moved and continued to shelve picture books on the shelf they were before, without realizing that shelf now housed easy readers - and I spend most of my shifts frustrated. I'm seriously considering quitting, to be honest.

After the confrontation with my manager, I started more seriously looking into going back to college. I was about 3/4s of the way done when my abusive ex-husband forced me to quit by moving us from Michigan to Florida so he could pursue his dream. Craig and I have always talked about me finishing my BA some day, but I expected it to happen after the kids were done with school. Well, he suggested I look into it now. It hasn't been easy. The school I went to in Michigan refuses to advise me about the viability of finishing my degree online without actively enrolling, and has been thoroughly unhelpful in regards to getting any of my questions answered. So I'm going to start looking around in California. At this point, though, I just don't know. I would be finishing for the sake of finishing. I don't even want to advance at the library at this point. I definitely wouldn't accept a promotion under this manager if she ever offered. But if I quit, and then I don't go back, what do I do? I'm caught in this gray area, unsure of what I want. I haven't written a single word in 2021. Do I even want to continue? But with the kids leaving in the fall for college, I'm going to have a lot more time on my hands so I have to figure out something.

And this ennui and stress is exactly why I haven't posted in almost a month. I just feel bogged down by it all, and while I recognize it's all first world problems, and that I should just be grateful that my family is healthy and we're financially secure, it's getting harder and harder to fight off depression about it all.