Eurydice (eurydice72) wrote,
Eurydice
eurydice72

A sad day

I just got home from a candlelight vigil.

This morning, a senior at the high school committed suicide. It hit me harder than I expected. Though I didn't know the boy, Alicia did, and his mom has been a fixture at both the middle and high schools for years. I went, both for Alicia since she couldn't and to be there for the mom. The death came as a huge surprise to everyone since the boy was active, well-liked, and generally the kind of kid who always steps in to help others.

But I know as well as anyone that looks can be deceiving. I think I got hit extra-hard by this because this is the first time I've been able to identify so closely with both sides. I suffered from serious depression for a very long time. Hell, I still get heavy bouts of it. It was the worst in my teens and early twenties, though, bad enough that I was hospitalized twice for failed suicide attempts. I was utterly convinced the world would be better off without me. It took a lot of therapy and getting out of toxic relationships for me to fight my way out of the worst to it. So I understand what it feels like to think you have absolutely no other choices out there.

But now I'm a parent. And for the first time, I'm looking at my mother and wondering how wrong I would've been about her reaction if I'd succeeded. She's not demonstrative. She doesn't say I love you. But considering how devastated I would be if one of my kids thought I wouldn't want to understand or help them through whatever might drive them to such extreme thoughts, I have to believe my mom would've taken it just as badly.

So I cried. A lot. I'm still crying some. And I had a long talk with Alex about what happened, and making sure he knows I will always love him no matter what, that there is nothing he ever has to deal with all on his own if he's feeling overwhelmed. I kept crying in the middle of it, which prompted him to keep hugging me, but I felt better having said it all.

And I mourn for the boy the world lost today and the future he won't have now. If I'd been successful in my attempts, I wouldn't have met Craig or had my amazing kids. Sure, life is tough, and I wake up some days in a lot of pain, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Hug your loved ones, please. Appreciate them. Tell them how you feel. Life's too short.
Subscribe

  • Looking for Lulu

    Though it's only been a few weeks since we lost Lucy, we've decided to get another dog. Chico needs a friend, and the house seems empty without…

  • My little town has become famous the past couple days

    It's been a dramatic few days in my town. Have you seen the news story about the school board that was caught on a hot mic, complaining about the…

  • So sore

    I've been meaning to add in strength training and yoga to my daily routine for months now. Tons of good intentions, but no follow-through. Well,…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 9 comments