Eurydice (eurydice72) wrote,

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Feeling fat

Big time yuck factor this morning. I'm going to my in-laws for the day---letting the kids see Nana and Grandad while I run to Borders and pick up my SFX and American magazines---and I pull out my fat jeans to wear because I like to be comfortable for the hour drive it takes to get there. And guess what? They're not fat jeans any more. They're regular jeans. The jeans I usually put on to make me feel slimmer because of how baggy they are today fit as though they were made for me.


It's frustrating because last year this time I had just lost almost 50 pounds in my quest for losing baby weight. I was pleased as punch because I went to my cousin's wedding and saw relatives who hadn't seen me in ages, and half of them thought I was my younger, always been slimmer than me, sister. Even my uncle---the groom's father and not related by blood---who usually is the biggest tease and torturer in the family couldn't stop complimenting on how great I looked. It was nice. I still wasn't at target, but it was the least I'd weighed since high school and I was incredibly proud of what I'd done.

And now 20 of that 50 is back on. Because the last six months have been so up and down for me, with Craig being gone so long, my homesickness, and whatnot. And I'm pretty much sick of it.

I've already warned Craig that when he comes back, he's going to be good with me. I can't do it alone. Last year, I lost the weight with the support of a class that I'll probably rejoin when we get back from DragonCon. But until then, I need him onboard.

This is probably going to sound silly, but part of the reason I want to lose the weight is because I miss feeling pretty, I miss feeling good about the way I look. I spent my life as the brainy one; depending on who was talking, either one of my sisters was the pretty one in the family. I never got attention for anything other than my brain. This is the silly part. I know that that's a good thing. I got taken a lot more seriously by a lot of people because I could hold my own and then some when it came to intellect. But part of me still wanted---and still does---to be noticed for something else. It's kind of the reverse of pretty women who don't get taken seriously because of their looks. They just want to be noticed for something else. Is it wrong to want to feel like a woman?

God bless him, Craig has always been wonderful when it comes to this kind of thing. I've been blessed in that way, especially as my creep of an ex-husband was the exact opposite. But he's been so busy with work and other concerns that I've taken a back seat. That's all right. I understand that. These things happen. But it still hurts because I miss it.

This probably makes me incredibly shallow, and if I lose friends over this at LJ, I'm going to more than understand. It's hard for me to grasp, and I'm living it. :) But I don't think I'm shallow. I think I'm just a woman, very much isolated from feeling like a real person some time because of my location away from friends and family, and my new more important role as mom, who wants to actually feel like a woman. A whole woman. Not just a brain. Not just a mom.

Just me.

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