Eurydice (eurydice72) wrote,

Maudlin, depressing crap

It's 1am and I'm still awake. I can't sleep because my head is clogged, and my head is clogged because I've pretty much been crying nonstop for the past three hours. It's about something specific I'm not willing to talk about because I can't even explain it to Craig, so trying to put it into written words is a waste of time. I don't know what I have left in me at this point. Sometimes I think all my words are gone.

This is one of those times I consider disconnecting myself completely from being online. No more LJ, no more social media, nothing. There was a friending meme recently that asked what site you go to first when you log on, and I joked, "The Internet gets turned off?" Because my computer is always on except when I need to reboot. And when I leave my house, I have my phone to check email and surf if I want to, not to mention my iPad.

I've never been one who deals well with grays. I'm very structured. Black and white. A girl with definitions for everything. When I have a problem with something, my solution is almost always to eliminate it. So when being online causes me stress, my initial reaction is to cut myself off completely. I'm not convinced that's not necessarily healthier.

Loneliness drags me back.

I am not good at meeting people. At all. Never have been. I'm shy and self-conscious and pretty much believe people will only like me if I do stuff for them. Give enough of myself and maybe someone will want what I have to give enough to stick around for a while. Over the years, I've mostly convinced myself that it doesn't matter that I don't have many friends. I have Craig and my kids and nothing else should matter. It's that "mostly" that kills me. Because sometimes it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that, I need it to be not true. I get so jealous of people with a wide circle of friends. Right now, at this exact moment in time, if something truly momentous happened to me, I could only call one person to share it with. And that would have a condition of being cognizant of what time of the day it was/what day of the week.

I've gotten better over the years. I've found some ways to help compensate, though it's never gone away. And the online world has been very good in helping me combat that loneliness. When I was in Buffy fandom, I found a safe haven for a short time, a world to distract me when the real world was too empty. I'd like to think I have some lingering acquaintances from that.

But even here, I'm still an outsider. I still have that sometimes crushing belief that the only reason anybody would want me around was if I give them something they really want. I wonder what's wrong with me when I can't get involved in some fandom things like other people, or why I'm involved at all when what I see in it seems to differ from what other people do. I carry around the deep-seated fear that people will see me as a fraud and call me on it. I don't know how to change any of that. I don't know if I should even want to.

My head is a muddle right now. My nose is finally starting to clear, but my eyes are nearly swollen shut and not even the pretty boys at Pierrefonds are helping. If anything, looking at them right now just sows more anxiety because I think about the fic I should be writing that didn't happen tonight, and whether I should bother writing it at all. You'd think that the more you write, the more confidence you get, but that isn't the case. I secondguess myself more than I ever did before. Ignorance really is bliss.

It's now 1:45 and my alarm will go off in 5 hours unless Craig wakes up and offers to take the kids to school. I'm supposed to go out to lunch with the one person in my day to day life that feels like a friend. I hope she doesn't have to cancel, though as busy as she is, she might.

And I'm sure that once I'm able to finally go to sleep, a lot of this will seem maudlin when I'm awake. But the feelings are real now. And at least I've stopped crying.
Tags: life
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