The reorganizing of my life that I did with the advent of the new year is the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. It had to happen; with so many upcoming changes, the only way I could be assured not to muck everything up was to inflict some well-needed structure back into my days. That's incredibly hard to do when you have toddlers; I've tried in the past and given up when I decided it wasn't worth it. I couldn't do that this time, and found a system that has really, really worked.
That being said, I've had to give up some things that mean an incredible amount to me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had the time to spend talking with angstchic that I used to. She's been very supportive and understanding about the changes I've had to institute, and while I've told her these things in private, I just wanted to use this public forum to say just how important she is to me. I don't make friends easily. I'm moody as hell, I follow my gut which is notorious for prompting me not to trust most of the people in this world, and I'm easily distractible. None of these things makes me a good friend. Yet, she has stuck by me, through thick and thin, and I'm grateful for every single second of it. And I can only hope that when I come out on the other side of all this change, she is still going to be there. Actually, that's incorrect. I *know* she's going to be there; that's just the sort of wonderful person she is.
The new order of things has opened my eyes to a lot. I turn 35 this year. I don't feel 35, but I also haven't accomplished what I wanted to by this time in my life. Ask me when I was 18 where I was going to be and it would've been anywhere but where I am now. I was going to be a professional, preferably in some creative field, and kids were not *anywhere* on the horizon. I had smarts, and I was prepared to use them in whatever way I could do to make the world a better place. Then, I got to college and the people I met and the choices I made drastically altered my course.
I'm not regretting anything. I can't. I do that, and I begin to wallow in the past, completely forgetting about all the wonderful things that are in my present. But I still have this overwhelming need to make the world a better place. I still have this overwhelming feeling that it's my *responsibility* to do so. Anything I can do, I *should* do simply because if I don't, then why am I bothering to teach my children how to love, how to see the beauty of the world around them, how to trust that people are inherently good?
I'm a romantic. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I've experienced it, though maybe not in the amounts I would like to. Maybe that colors my perceptions about the kind of world the place is. Well, no, maybe is wrong. It *does* color it. I have dreams, not just for myself but for my husband and for my kids and for my friends and for people I don't even know. All these changes in my life recently have just illustrated for me that the only one who can turn those dreams into anything tangible is myself.
I'm not the same person I was when I was 18. I've experienced firsthand what it feels like to be loved, what it feels like to be hated, what it feels like to be attacked both physically and emotionally, and what it feels like to be thought of as the most special thing in the whole world. I've travelled farther and seen more places than this smalltown girl from mid-Michigan ever thought realistically possible. I've witnessed more frightening things than I ever could've dreamed.
And yet, I'm still her. I'm still horribly shy around groups of people (although 1-on-1 is not so much of a problem). I still assume the worst possible scenario, placing myself at the center of the blame, when confronted with a situation I don't understand completely. I still crave acceptance like a favorite drug, needing people to like me in order to feel that I'm not wasting space by stealing their very air or something. Nothing excites me more than people enjoying what I have to contribute and being told that. Not even sex. *grin*
I have so much yet to offer this world. I know *how* I want to do it, and I have germs of the ways and means to get it done. Already, I am showing signs of progress, and that spurs me to try even harder. I *will* succeed, because frankly, the alternative is not acceptable. The alternative means regret, and like I said, I can't do that any more. I've got some unknown expiration date somewhere off in my future; I don't plan on wasting any more of the time I've been granted. :)