I've talked to Craig twice now since he arrived in India yesterday. He hates it. He has zero desire to go out exploring and he just wants to come home. He's warned me that he's going into workaholic mode in order to survive the next three weeks.
Then I got to thinking about what we have. I have no qualms about saying he's my best friend. There is nothing I can't tell Craig, nothing I'm not comfortable sharing with him. He understands my quirks and accepts them without pressuring me to change. He has more faith in me than anyone in my entire life ever has, including my mother. I often wonder what I've done to deserve such a man in my life.
Because me? Not a prize. I'm moody. Antisocial. Easily distracted. Obsessive. Fearful of risk.
And I'm married to a man who can talk to anyone, who has absolutely zero fear in trying new things. It makes me proud and jealous, all at the same time.
He loves me; I know he does. I know that it's very likely that I'm his best friend, as well. He's said as much. And still, I look in the mirror and what I see makes me unhappy. Because to me, it isn't good enough. I need to be better. I need to keep house better, I need to be more attentive to the kids, I need to take better care of myself. It's not anything he's ever said and done. I know I'm being too hard on myself. All those years of not quite being good enough, failing to measure in *someone's* eyes, have taken their toll, and when I get sad, they come right back to the fore, regardless of knowing just how much Craig loves me.
Do we ever truly escape our pasts? Am I going to be eighty years old and still trying to be the perfect little girl? When is it ever going to be good enough? Why do these feelings not go away, even when you have someone in your life that you trust implicitly telling you that they're invalid?
If Craig was home right now, he'd be sitting where I am now (I've commandeered his corner of the couch while he's away), and I would have come up to him, straddled him, and buried my face in his chest while he held me for a few minutes. To make the worst of these feelings go away. That actually works most of the time, believe it or not. It always has. It's like...Craig's being a big guy is a manifestation of his inner strength. Which sounds stupid now that I write it out., but...yeah. I adore the fact that he can be physically overpowering. Do you have any idea how not dainty I feel most of the time? It's like...I know he can protect me, in every way possible. And that's comforting.
And because this is just me venting a little steam without having Craig around, I'm disabling comments. I'm not looking for stroking or anything. I just need to let some of the bad feelings out before they fester.