Eurydice (eurydice72) wrote,
Eurydice
eurydice72

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I feel so bad for Craig right now. He's done two more loads over to the new house tonight, and is on his way home from the second. He's going to be wasted. I wish I could've gone to help but obviously I can't because of the kids. I just hope he gets the rest tonight that he needs.

Otherwise, it was a reasonably productive day, and I got a tiny nap this afternoon after our first run (because I was up at 6am wide awake and pushed myself way too hard before 2pm came around). I still have 650 words to write before I hit my daily quota, but I think that's doable. I'm not pushing myself to write the blurbs super fast, though. I'm doing my research for all of them first, instead of on an individual basis as I usually do, because I can't count on having our internet access fully up to speed right away. The phone gets hooked up on Tuesday, but if there's a lag with Craig getting the wireless network set up in the new house, I don't want to be stuck. So, research first and then I'll write the blurbs during those couple of days.

Times like these are probably the toughest for me, even as much as I love the thrill of the change. One of my biggest personal issues is that I have this insane need to be everything for everybody, and I find it incredibly disheartening when I fail. I know exactly where it comes from; I'm the oldest child of 4, my parents split up when I was 6 1/2, and my mom was left struggling to raise us. I'd been forced into reponsibility at an incredibly early age (I had my own bank account from the time I was 5 that I was solely responsible for keeping my paper route money organized, the joys of having a father who worked for a newspaper), and took on even more after that. I hate letting people down, so when it happens, it feels very much like a personal failure.

I've gotten slightly better about it over the past few years, but the tendencies are most definitely still there. Prioritizing what I can give to people is completely different from being able to do so with impunity. Some people have been hurt. Even when I can see the reasons for it, and know that it's not completely my fault, it makes me ache.

What's worse is, my expectations are often much higher than other's. I place incredibly tough obstacles in my path by demanding so much from myself, but I feel that if I don't, someone somewhere will lose out in some way. Craig. My kids. And yeah, myself. I want things from my life, and the only way I'm going to get them is if I go out and do something about it. I was the type-A kid with high blood pressure because of the pressure I put on myself, but it served me well in a lot of ways. I got to go to college when there was no way my mother could've afforded it because I pushed myself academically to get those scholarships. I got recognition for my achievements because I tried everything I could to be the best I could be (and yes, I know that sounds like a recruiting ad, I don't care). There have been downsides (7 years with my abusive first husband is not exactly a shining moment), but for the most part, I think it's worked for me.

Until I start thinking about what I'm not doing. About what else I could be accomplishing. Wondering if what I'm doing is good enough. Why it is I can't produce 4000 words a day instead of 3000. How better to structure my time so that when my kids want me to go outside and play with them, I can do it without feeling guilty about not getting other stuff done. And one of the biggies, am I shortchanging my intelligence by not being in a more focused career.

That little overachieving child never really goes away, does she? Overachieving is probably the wrong word. It's the pleaser in me. The one who thinks that if she can just do it all, then everyone will be happy. Nobody will cry. Nobody will be upset. And the world will be a better place. The world *needs* to be a better place, otherwise, what's the point?

I recognize that there are a lot of people who feel this way. Women, especially. I'm not going to say all women because I've met my fair share of those who know exactly how far they want to go and don't ever do anything beyond that, but I think it's definitely more of a nurturer thing. Of course, I've seen my fair share of men who are like this, too (hell, I'm married to one), so I'm not even going to consider the whole gender bias thing. It's just...tough.

ETA: Please take all this with a grain of salt. I got surprised tonight with my period. Early. Probably because of the stress. Explains why I'm so damn emotional. Just ignore me and continue on. :)
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