February 10th, 2020

mood - woe: crackers4jenn

The good and the sad

Today was Alicia's 20th birthday. My miracle baby is now no longer a teenager. Sometimes, it seems like she grew up too fast and I just want her to be little again, while others, I'm excited to see where she goes and what she does next. So I started today all in a good mood that quickly devolved into something darker.

It doesn't help that Craig leaves tomorrow for ten days in Ireland. It'll just be me and Alex for the next week and a half. I don't anticipate sleeping well. And the depression is already settling in. I stress ate most of the night. I walked away from any responsibility I should've seen to, to hide in my room and read instead. I'm about to go soak in a bath in another attempt to escape the inevitable.

Working tomorrow will help with distraction me, if only for a few hours. Craig leaves for the airport while I'm at the library, and Alex will be home by the time I get off so at least I don't have to go home to an empty house. God, I sound so pathetic whining about this. It's not like this trip came as a surprise. I've known about it for a few weeks. But my mood is all over the place, and my hormones are doing the wacky, and I'm still fighting this cold which doesn't help at all.

I dreamt about working with my actors last night. It wasn't an excited kind of dream. It was more like a stress response, where I knew I was cheating them out of a better experience if I continued on the path I was going. In our meetings, I told them I wanted the cell phones to be played straight - no electronic voices, no odd mannerisms. I want the audience to connect with them. But I realized before going to bed that I'm cheating my actors out of the real challenge of creating non-human characters. So I dreamt about a lot of exercises we could do that could help them explore how to incorporate different elements into their performances. Things like...ways to change their natural rhythm of movement. Or how to find different levels that might seem uncomfortable for us as humans but could seem natural to the phones. Things like that. I'm going to ponder on it some more. At least I have a few days to figure it out.