August 22nd, 2019

mood - this sucks: sandy_s

(no subject)

First week of rehearsals for the play are over. We got all the blocking done (the actors' movements in a show). Definite highs and lows. I felt super empowered the second night, not so bad last night, but tonight...well, I'm barely not crying and that's mostly because I'm focusing on writing this post since I haven't done it all week. There was not one, not two, but three separate incidents where I either looked like a complete amateur or got questioned (and subsequently voted down by my co-director) on my choices. I'm currently at a point where I want nothing to do with any of this, so it's very good that we don't have rehearsal again until Monday.

I just feel like such a stupid novice, like I'm completely out of my league and am fooling nobody about my inadequacies. This is not a new feeling. This is the way my head has been for as long as I can remember. This is how I start to spiral down, though I'm much better about not staying in those pits for long. I would love not to go into them at all, but that's not something I've yet managed to master. Especially when I have such recent, very valid examples of my uselessness at hand.

I have to work tomorrow, then go serve dinner to the marching band. It means being happy and smiley and social when I just want to crawl into a corner and forget the world exists. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to manage it.