August 24th, 2006

eurydice james: pepperlandgirl4

(no subject)

I am...a tad stressed. I've been stressed for awhile, and you guys have been great about listening to me whinge, but I've reached the first threshold where I start worrying that my stress is getting to be a tad much. It's manifesting in my dreams now, which is always my first clue that things are getting bad for my head. In spite of my week of relaxation at my mom's, I've had bad dreams every night since getting home, all about my fear of failure, rejection, not being good enough, etc. And unfortunately, all those emotions spill over in my waking life. So if I'm absent or acting odd, that's why. It's just incredibly hard for me to dissociate from those feelings, and when I'm waking up every morning still stinging from some new way of feeling inferior, it adds up.

The latest is the delay of Craig's return. He messaged me today to let me know he won't be able to come home on Sunday as originally scheduled. He's coming home on Wednesday. So now he's home for 4 or 5 days before turning around to go back to NC until the 20th. Thankfully, the company has agreed to pay for flying his parents over to watch the kids, since I'm in LA from 9/7-11 and that was booked before all this happened. They should arrive on the 1st.

The hard part is just this constant feeling that nothing is ever going to be done. I'm split in a ton of different directions, with little hope to finishing anything. I did take one step to alleviate that, though I don't think many people who read me will be happy about it. I took back my involvement in the next round of Seasonal Spuffy. I just can't commit to something new when I haven't even finished the last one yet.