I'm the most selfish person I know.
I uprooted my children from the only home they knew, not because it was best for them, but because *I* wanted it, because *I* was the one having difficulties, because *I* was the one who was homesick. Sure, you can argue that if Mommy's not happy then the kids won't be happy, but I probably won't buy it completely. Don't ask me why because I don't know. Probably because there's always a part of me that thinks I could've tried a little harder, that I *should've* tried a little harder, and that it's my fault when things fall apart.
Things have been both good and bad in coming back to the US. Generally speaking, I'm more relaxed and finding more happiness on a day-to-day level than I was before. But then...there's the bad.
Alicia's not adjusting well. She's always been a sensitive child, but it's grown exponentially since we've been here. Her nightmares have increased; they were bad before, but now, they're almost nightly. She's clingier than she has ever been; she doesn't ever want *anybody* to leave. She's also started wetting herself in the middle of the night---not her bed, she makes a point of getting up but she never quite makes it to the bathroom.
I know it'll pass. I know it's just a matter of time. It doesn't change the fact that it still tears me up. It doesn't change the fact that I'm constantly questioning the validity of my choice.
This summer has not gone as I thought it would. We lost Mark. Craig's hours haven't lessened like we thought they would. There have been medical issues in Craig's immediate family with people who mean a lot to us. And the list goes on.
But I know...this is life. This is what happens. And I've reacted in the way I always have; I've focused on those things that I can fix. The things that are most important to me. And I'm going to be straight-up with you. Those things that are most important to me are Craig and my kids. They are my world. Craig is my best friend, has been my best friend for the past seven years, and is the one and only person in this entire world I trust my life with. For him, I will do anything.
And my kids...well, it goes without saying.
And guess what? In the two months I've had to adjust to California life (and really, it's only been 2 months because that's as long as it's been since my in-laws left), they've gotten all of my attention. They need me. They need me to be strong in a time when their world is still shifting. Oh, sure, I've done my writing and LLGA, because frankly, that's my one escape that's just for me. I need that place that I can go to, to forget some of the responsibility for just a few moments, and that's *always* been through stories, whether my own or someone else's. Ever since I was 4 and discovered Dr. Seuss, and then when I was able to start writing to pen my own tales. I was a voracious reader as a child, much more comfortable with books than people, and that mindset is still there. I'm much happier and comfortable in my stories than anywhere else, outside of my family. Always have been, always will be. And I don't see a problem with that.
So, everything else has slipped to the wayside. Not everyone gets that. I've been criticized for not being more accessible, and they're right. I'm not. I absolutely *suck* at commenting in other people's journals. I've talked to my sisters a total of 4 times in the entire 4 months I've been back in the country, and haven't talked to anyone else at all. Unless you're physically in my perimeter, you're likely to think I'm ignoring you.
This makes me a selfish bitch. Because, I know these things, and I don't have the desire or feel the need to remedy that in the near future. Dislike me as much as you want for it, unfriend me because you think I'm emotionally stunted, self-centered, and closed-off, it doesn't matter. My priorities right now are exactly where I think they need to be, supporting Craig as he struggles to find a balance between work and his homelife without going crazy in the meantime, supporting Alex and Alicia so that they can see that this move is good for all of us and that Mommy and Daddy aren't going anywhere, and keeping myself from losing it in the midst of it all.
I wish I had more to spread around, but I don't. I do what I can to be as nice and respectful as I can to people, because I have no time or energy to deal with the crap. I stay away from a good part of the online stuff primarily because I can't stand the disrespect and bile I often encounter in it. This probably makes me naive. It definitely means I'm always on the outside looking in. But that's where I've been my entire life. And I'm OK with that. In fact, I pretty much prefer it. Please don't try and drag me in because I won't fit. That's just not my way.
To be honest, I hate using LJ to get this off my chest, but I've got nowhere else to put it and frankly, this is my journal, whether it's electronic or not, so I'll write what I need to. No offenses were meant. I just needed to clear my air.