The last time I posted was right after I had the confrontation with my manager. I never talked to her about what she did, but instead focused on doing my job and running questions to other librarians in order to stay out of her path. Unfortunately, that doesn't work more than half the time, and I still manage to get sucked in. And I still get the occasional comment. Last week, I got sucked into an issue regarding a procedure that had never been established with our reopening, so I apologized to her about sidetracking her since that wasn't my intention. Her comment to me was, "With you, I just always expect to get sidetracked."
I can't say I'm very happy at work right now. She's a big part of it, but there's also the issue that it feels like I'm the only aide who gives a damn about anything. Things are slipping that shouldn't slip - including one of the aides not noticing for over a week that an entire section of New Kids had been moved and continued to shelve picture books on the shelf they were before, without realizing that shelf now housed easy readers - and I spend most of my shifts frustrated. I'm seriously considering quitting, to be honest.
After the confrontation with my manager, I started more seriously looking into going back to college. I was about 3/4s of the way done when my abusive ex-husband forced me to quit by moving us from Michigan to Florida so he could pursue his dream. Craig and I have always talked about me finishing my BA some day, but I expected it to happen after the kids were done with school. Well, he suggested I look into it now. It hasn't been easy. The school I went to in Michigan refuses to advise me about the viability of finishing my degree online without actively enrolling, and has been thoroughly unhelpful in regards to getting any of my questions answered. So I'm going to start looking around in California. At this point, though, I just don't know. I would be finishing for the sake of finishing. I don't even want to advance at the library at this point. I definitely wouldn't accept a promotion under this manager if she ever offered. But if I quit, and then I don't go back, what do I do? I'm caught in this gray area, unsure of what I want. I haven't written a single word in 2021. Do I even want to continue? But with the kids leaving in the fall for college, I'm going to have a lot more time on my hands so I have to figure out something.
And this ennui and stress is exactly why I haven't posted in almost a month. I just feel bogged down by it all, and while I recognize it's all first world problems, and that I should just be grateful that my family is healthy and we're financially secure, it's getting harder and harder to fight off depression about it all.